We are Dysregulated or Regulated

Over the last seven years I have fallen in love with my studies of the polyvagal theory. It was coined by Dr. Stephen Porges in the 1990’s and has given me a much more compassionate understanding of how we engage with one another.

Most of us understand fight or flight (SNS or sympathetic nervous system) or rest and digest (parasympathetic nervous system) yet may not have heard about or understand freeze- which happens when we cross the fight or flight threshold.

In freeze, we are in collapse and have low energy, low mobility and don’t feel safe- emotionally or physically. In order to move to a more regulated state, we must move up the polyvagal ladder to fight and flight and then into rest and digest. It is not uncommon to oscillate between freeze and fight/flight frequently (in fact it can be moment to moment.)

Our nervous systems develop in relationship with our primary caregivers and those early years shape our nervous systems. The felt safety we catalogue as our lived experiences in those early interactions gives us an indication of how we can engage in the world. It is a library of traumatic and non traumatic experiences of sorts.

Neuroception is the term used for the safety or danger cues our nervous systems intuit- without us even knowing it is happening. We have adaptive responses that sense familiarity from our pasts and can “blow up” our nervous systems- and our safety cues are skewed if our adaptive responses lean towards danger tendencies. The good news is that our nervous systems can re shape, just as our brains do, through neuroplasticity.

Instead of labels like “anxious, stressed or depressed” I reframe to state “I am regulated or dysregulated” and it feels so much better. Yes I feel anxious a lot, but I am not “an anxious person.” I can feel depressed, yet depression doesn’t define me. Dysregulation can become regulation without the heaviness of the labels of anxiety or depression. For me, that feels much less oppressive or stigmatizing. It also feels much safer because it is my system, my nervous system- that needs help to feel better. It is not just a specific part of me that needs help, it is the pump and flow system that governs all of us. One of my teachers taught me that when I am feeling dysregulated it helps to state “ I am _____________ and the world is _________________”. This is how we map our response patterns. We can track where we are. We can move towards regulation. Our nervous system longs to connect with other nervous systems. We are born to connect, in a safe ventral vagal state with others. We move to regulation in the safe company of others. We are all kinder, more compassionate and able to hold space for ourselves and others in a regulated state. We are able to rest, recharge and reset in safe, social engagement practices. We are fortified. Our window of tolerance for stress increases with emotional safety and we are able to be more responsive. Our defense mechanisms are inhibited and we feel present, in the moment and able to feel joy. We owe it to ourselves to befriend our nervous systems. I want to invite you to journey with me as I continue to learn about interpersonal neurobiology, the nervous system and what it all means in being human.

Recovering From The Disease of Being Nice

There is a huge difference between being “nice” and being kind. “Nice” requires training- so we don’t strangle each other in the line up at the grocery store, when we are driving, when we are subjected to the office jokester one.more.time.

Nice has its place. Nice works in crowded elevators, in customer service, in uncomfortable family gatherings.

Nice means you can put on a brave face and grit your teeth through it, all the while questioning “is this really how I want to be in this situation?” Nice has also been described as a version of “the disease to please” and the message behind this is steeped in societal biases and constructs that we really need to unpack.

Growing up, the message I received was to be a “nice” girl. Say what you mean, but don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Don’t wear that, because what will people think? Watch what you say to them, they don’t like it when….

Nice means you bring a different version of yourself to each relationship. Nice means you really want everyone to get along, but we know that human nature brings out those who want to power over others, unsaid expectations and different rules for everyone. We need “nice” culture rehabilitation.

How do we rehabilitate ourselves from nice?

Boundaries. Boundaries allow us to continue relationships with others. Boundaries allow us to remain compassionate. Compassion is kindness.

Brene Brown states “the most compassionate individuals are the most boundaried individuals.” Boundaries mean we listen to what our bodies are telling us about an individual. So the first step in a “nice” rehab program is to slow down and listen to our bodies. Our nervous systems, through neuroception, know when someone is not safe. Neuroception scans the environment for safety and your nervous system through the gut brain axis will let you know how you need to set up your boundaries.

If, through your niceness training you diminished yourself in order to try to fit in, you may need to exercise your intuition . Spend some time each day intuiting how you feel in your body. Describe what happens in your gut, in your chest, in your throat, in your limbs. What are the sensations you are feeling? Do they have a certain texture, temperature, colour? Tune in daily to the feelings forecast of your body. Your neuroception doesn’t lie.

Slow down and evaluate the patterns you have become a master at in your life.Most of them are maladaptive conditioning and programming. Do you rush everything in fear of upsetting someone? Do you feel like if you don’t do what you have always done that you will disappoint someone? Are you afraid to be alone with yourself and punctuate your day with a massive task llst? Slow down. Try to not fill in gaps of time with a task list. Get outside and move your body. Stand barefoot in the grass and watch what sensations arise for you. Listen to music. Share how you feel with your safe people. Sing, hum, chant- all of these techniques engage the ventral vagus nerve and promote the felt sense of emotional and physical safety. Because kindness is safe. Nice can be fight or flight- and very inauthentic.

Switch up your habits. If you reach for your phone at the first pang of anxiety, put it down. Nice culture tells us we have to be the caretakers of the feelings of others. And that we have to fit in. Fitting in serves everyone, right? Nope, nada, no way. If no one has told you this before, you need to hear it. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Ever. Feelings, the language of the body, are the sole responsibility of the person feeling them. Emotions are the language of the mind. We all know our brains love to default to the worst case scenario- so embrace this and know it is not always accurate. Emotions are neither good nor bad- they are all acceptable, where all behaviours are not.

You may struggle with all kinds of emotions that nice culture has dumped on you. Again, go slow and go lightly. Try to sort them out. Trust that nice culture benefits only a small fraction of the population. You know yourself when someone is nice to you- gauge how that feels. Kindness, on the other hand, really cares. Kindness goes deeper than nice. Kindness is bottomless. Kindness is curious where nice is judgemental. Kindness knows we are all doing the best we can. Kindness grows empathy. Kindness reiterates that life is hard. Be a kind human. Start with yourself. You are a learner when it comes to the unpacking of this niceness culture. If it feels like you are being taken advantage of and gritting your teeth through something, stop. Go slow and lightly. Listen to your neuroception. Change the way you reach for artificial connection. Remember there is no vitality in that. Notice your feelings. Keep coming back to yourself, for the benefit of everyone. Kindness will always win.

Christmas in July 2019 Parent Coaching Packages 50% off

Our annual Christmas in July coaching package sale is here! We have 3 of each package available.

To reserve your package email me at kilty67@sympatico.ca. We generally sell out in 72 hours.

Here they are for this year;

one month of coaching- 4 one hour phone calls and unlimited email support daily $350

three months of coaching- 12 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $800

six months of coaching- 24 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $1200

one year- 52 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $1500 

I can’t wait to work with you xoxo

Carol

Happy First Day of Spring! 3 Coaching packages available at holiday rates!

Our Christmas holiday three month coaching packages have all been completed - so that means there are 3 coaching packages available until the end of March! Because we love spring so much at BraveHeart Parenting, these 3 three month packages will be offered at last year’s prices.

3 months of parent coaching is now $500. 12 visits/phone calls and daily email support. With each package you also get access to all of our online courses at no additional fee!

These packages will be offered on a first come, first served basis. Email me at kilty67@sympatico.ca to register. Happy Spring! xoxo Carol

Annual Holiday Coaching Packages on sale- with extra bonuses this year!

It’s our annual holiday parent coaching package sale again!

This year you get extra bonuses: access to all of the online programs I am running for the duration of your coaching package

One in class registration for 12 months after the purchase of your coaching package

Daily email support as you need it.

The coaching packages can be one on one in our office, via phone, skype or facetime.

Last year our packages sold out in 24 hours, so we will accept registration on a first come, first serve basis. Etransfer will be required to secure your package.

We have 9 spots available this year. The packages are as follows:

three months of coaching- 12 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $500

six months of coaching- 24 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $800

nine months of coaching- 36 one hour phone calls/visits/and unlimited email support daily $1100

There are 3 three month packages, three 6 month packages and 3 9 month packages available

Night time spots are few and far between and fill first and will be filled on a first come first serve basis.

Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca to register.  

What Is Emotional Safety?

I go on and on about emotional safety all of the time. The more I study neuro biology, the more I understand the importance of emotional safety. Right now in this chaotic world I believe emotional safety is more important than ever.

Emotional safety is a neurobiological drive we have. From birth, we are driven to connect with our primary care givers for survival. As we grow, mature and age, emotional safety still remains one of our strongest directives as human beings. Research can show us how emotionally safe individuals feel like they belong with a family, friends, colleagues, and in peer groups. An individual who feels emotionally safe has better health outcomes, less anxiety, more joy and increased enjoyment in life.

How do we understand emotional safety? If we feel emotionally safe with someone, we can show up as our authentic selves and not feel that we will be abandoned, discarded or shamed for who we are. In an emotionally safe relationship we bring all of our trauma, our lived experience and our shadow self to the relationship and feel that there is space for us to learn, grow and thrive.

A lot of adults I work with tell me that they don’t know how to be in a relationship that is emotionally safe- and this is not uncommon. Many now adults were parented in very authoritarian families and may have been subjected to unhealthy enmeshment, were not allowed to have boundaries and actually grew up afraid of their parents. This can make it very hard to understand what you are deserving of- love, physical and emotional safety and a relationship in which you have the experience of feeling safe, seen, secure and soothed. This lived experience will depend on the attachment style you adopted as a child and how you view and live out your attachment as an adult.

A lot of the couples I work with in my emotionally focused couples coaching work struggle with feeling emotionally safe in their relationships. That is because the way we felt that we were viewed as children can cause us to develop patterns of being in the world that we bring into adulthood. Some adults struggle to emotionally connect because their emotions were not validated as children. Some adults struggle with trust issues and communication because of their experiences in their families of origin.

Dr. Jonice Webb is an expert on childhood emotional neglect and both works with and researches the impact of a lack of emotional safety in a child’s life and the type of affect that has on an adult. Her research has come up with anecdotal and empirical evidence that shows that those with CEN suffer from feeling emptiness frequently. There can be a lack of feeling, an almost void like feeling in their lives and she hypothesizes that the inability to express emotion in any way, or a lack of regard for a person’s emotional states contribute to this feeling or emptiness and not really belonging.

We are all worthy of unconditional love and belonging. Our neurobiological drives seek out love and belonging to survive. We can move from surviving to thriving when we can understand that through boundaries, self compassion and self acceptance we are more than capable of having the felt experience of emotional safety. It does take work and thanks to neuroplasticity we can heal from the trauma of what we did not receive and establish these connections we were born to forge.

If you want to have a free 15 minute coaching call on emotional safety or any other relationship or parent coaching or compassion coaching topic, please feel free to contact me at

kilty67@sympatico.ca and we can schedule a call.

With much love,

Carol xo

What Your Teenager Wants You To Know

As I prepare to continue my studies in adolescent trauma and depression and low mood in teens, I was inspired by the teens I am working with presently. When I asked them what they would like to say to their parents, I took notes. I asked for permission to precis their descriptions for a blog post and was given permission to do so. I have also added wisdom from other teens in my life and from my own mistakes as a parent to three now grown adults. 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I am confused. I am struggling with so much right now and feel that I can't tell you about it. The last time I came to you to tell you how hard school was, you told me that I should be grateful for the fact that I didn't have to walk to school. I left and went to my room. 

When I was angry that you didn't let me go to the mall with my friends and I got upset, you scared me when you yelled at me and told me that I was being a brat. I really wasn't- I just want you to know that going with my friends is important to me. We don't drink or do stupid things- we wanted to get a friend a gift. 

When we fight, I need you to stay calm. I need you to not storm off and roll your eyes at me. I want you to help me understand me. I want to be able to come to you when I am scared, sad or upset and if it ends in a fight, I need you to not tell me to "get out of my sight" or that "I've had enough of you." 

I want you to not pressure me to just study all of the time. I want you to understand that when I come home, I need down time. It is so hard all day at school trying to figure out where I fit in, to understand the new courses I am learning and to deal with the homework every night. I am not slacking off. I am trying to get through every day. 

I am really trying to figure out what to do when high school is over and when I tell you I like music, please don't tell me there is no money in that. Please listen to what I like. I don't know if I will always like it but I do right now. 

I want you to ask me what I am doing, who with and help me understand what other's treatment of me means. 

I need you both to not fight all of the time. I need you to stop insulting each other in front of me. When you do that, you are insulting 100% of my DNA. 

I need you. I need you to love me. Unconditionally. I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I have to to learn. 

I want to spend more time with you. 

I need you to not shame me in front of your friends. I need you to not say that I am moody, bitchy or high needs. I wouldn't say that about you.

Stop comparing me to my siblings. We are all different and I feel like I am your least favourite when you do that. 

When my siblings and I call each other names put a stop to it. 

Don't tease me. Don't make comments on my weight. Don't tell me I would be pretty if .... or that I shouldn't eat something. Don't tell me that boys who tease me like me. 

Don't tell me that boys and girls can't just be friends. That was maybe true for you but is not true for me and my friends. 

Don't tease me about the girl i like. 

Don't tell me that being gay is a stage. Don't tell me that I need to change. 

Don't scream at me at hockey games. Don't yell at my coach and demand to know why I am not playing more. My friends think you are nuts when you do that and I want to disappear. 

Don't yell at me and threaten to not drive me to school when I forget a book. 

When you have discovered that I am terrified of you and that is why I am restricting my eating- because you give me no control in any other aspect of my life- don't tell me I am your biggest disappointment. 

Be boundaried with me. Respect I will be boundaried with you. 

Your teenager

Parenting In Your 40's and 50's - It's Intense and Amazing

Parenting is the most important relationship. The most. There is so much more to risk than any other one. We are responsible for the children we turn out into the world. The emotional bandwidth to parent is exhausting. And amazing. 

We are now empty nesters- and have been for a year. The adjustment is huge. Gone are the days of newborns, 2 and 4 year olds and navigating the hamster wheel of everyone's physical needs being met. Gone are the hot summers of three different soccer games and at least that many practices a week. Gone are the holiday concerts in crowded gyms and 7 am band practices. No longer do I spend a whole Saturday doing laundry for the week ahead. 

Gone too, is my belief that I've got this as a parent. Because I never really did "have it." I now realize, as I try to gear down and adjust to the pace of being the three of us at home (Rob, myself and our geriatric Shetland Sheepdog, whom, I am not going to lie, we treat like a baby far too often) I never was able to stop and and really appreciate what it truly FELT like to parent 3 children 4 and under. Now that I can stop, it feels like a contradiction in living. I know I am running out of time. I know the biggest part of my life has been lived. I know that I have less life left than I did whilst on the hamster wheel of parenting. And it is scary. And wonderful. And such an adjustment. 

The adjustment is magnified after the holidays once our children have come and gone again. We soak up every single second with them when they are home. I nuzzle the foreheads of my daughters, hold them to me every chance I get and am reaching up to wrap my arms around my 6ft 3 son on the daily. "Thank you" and "I love you" is said multiple times a day and I have been caught closing my eyes as I breathe in their amazingness more than once. I don't care how it looks, because the feeling I have captured in my nervous system of my children in my arms once again will sustain me as they carry on in their daily lives away from me. 

As parents we must constantly adapt to the new beginnings, new adventures and new heartaches our children will traverse. We step back, watch them, love them from afar and adjust. We celebrate their accomplishments, gather them up and hold them close in their heartbreaks and we trust them. We trust that they've got this thing called life. We stop ourselves from projecting our insecurities upon them and continue to tell them how much we believe in them and that they know best about what is right for them. If they need us, we will always be here. We are constantly ensuring that their experience of "felt love" from us does not wane. We always want them to rest in our love knowing that it has never been conditional and never will be. No matter what, we will continue to parent them based on what they need, not what we think they need. 

It's the pulling back that is the biggest adaptation. It's getting comfortable with not always doing- there are no more frenetic rhythms. There is no more "busyness" on a daily basis. And it feels good. It is time to recharge and really enjoy our next visit with them. It is planning major life events, going to grad school graduations and answering questions about life's next steps- all while denying that you need to be doing that for yourself too. Parenting is not at all about enjoying every single minute because "one day they won't be little anymore" and I would never tell anyone to enjoy every single minute. Because there are years that are hard. There are moments that break us and we never recover from- we learn to carry our grief. And it changes us. And we are back again, to the intense and amazing and ongoing adaptations that we must embrace- because parenting never ends. It is a relationship, after all and we too, as we age, must continue to  grow,  to understand ourselves on a whole different level and understand that as we raise our children, we raise ourselves. In all of the intensity and amazingness as well as the exhaustion.  

Rhythm, Routine and Ritual For An Easier Transition After The Holidays

In the time between New Year's and the start of back to school, it can be so difficult to imagine the return to routine! My own children used to get so anxious every year after the holiday break and would actually cry at our bedroom door stating that they wanted to stay home. 

It is so normal to feel this anxiety. So normal. Our nervous systems struggle to amp back up when we have had some down time. When attachment tanks are filled up for our tiny humans, it can be really difficult to figure out how things will look and feel in the disruption of being with us. Go lightly. 

Start talking about how you can work together as a team to get ready for back to school. Start getting up a little earlier each day as you approach Monday and ask your children how you can work together to do things to make the transition easier. Maybe they can help with lunches the night before. Maybe they can lie their clothes out the night before and also get boots, hats, coats, mitts and backpacks all ready so there can be a gentler wake up each morning and less stress with meeting timelines. Collaboration and connection really makes children feel like they are invited to exist within our presence and can go a long way in filling up their attachment tanks. 

Missing you when they are back at school is something that needs to be discussed. A remedy for this is to have them "take a piece of you" with them when they are gone. The "kissing hand" where you each draw a heart on your hand and kiss it when you miss each other, matching bracelets that you make together and the planning of re connection when they come home are all helpful things to discuss and implement in the busy days ahead.

Anxiety can be lessened by rhythms and routines as well as ritual. Rituals can be "pressure valves" where each night, at bedtime, you review the day with your child and then go over what will happen the next day. You can do two stories, two songs and a hug- find what works for you and your children and institute these rituals- they do have a positive affect regulation on the nervous system of your child and you. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to your children about how you want things to be different on a day to day basis with the time deadlines you have encountered in the past. Let them know that "we are all on the same team, and what we were doing before wasn't working because I was feeling grumpy and angry and I felt that I yelled a lot. I want things to feel differently for all of us, because my behaviour wasn't acceptable when I yelled and I think it is stressful for everyone. How do you think we can work together as a team to make getting out of the house easier and help each other to make evenings and bedtimes better?" Asking your children for their input really does promote deeper connection. Unpacking helpful expectations, setting boundaries and sportscasting the timelines calmly will really mitigate increasing anxiety and stress.

We must implement pressure valves for ourselves too, parents. If you need to have the same collaboration and connection discussion with your spouse, do it! If you need to figure out better ways to have supper on the table, take the time. Everyone can become more involved. One of the great disservices we do to ourselves and our children is to underestimate each other's capabilities when it comes to getting dinner on the table and cleaned up afterwards. Do it. Work as a team. Lower your expectations and unpack helpful ones. Drop the idea of perfection because it doesn't exist. Know what you child is capable of developmentally and be the firm, unwavering, clear, kind leader they need. Everyone will benefit. 

Feel free to email me through this blog if you have any questions, inquiries about both parent coaching and relationship coaching and check out our Facebook page for more content. Happy New Year! With love, Carol xo

2017 Holiday Special on our Coaching Packages

It's the time of year again when we release our holiday coaching packages! This year we have four to offer. 

one month of coaching- 4 one hour phone calls and unlimited email support daily $350

three months of coaching- 12 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $800

six months of coaching- 24 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $1200

one year- 52 one hour phone calls/visits and unlimited email support daily $1500 

There are 8 one month and three month packages available.

There are 3 six month packages available. 

There are 3 one year packages available.

Each 6 month and one year packages come with a free class registration of your choice throughout the year. 

To register for any of the coaching packages email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca 

They will be available until December 31st unless they sell out first (which they have done every year so far!) 

Safety is key in relationship

Every day in my work with families, one commonality can be found- safety is key in relationship.

When we understand the biological, neurological and physiological drives for neuroception or safety, we can fully reframe what we perceive as "behaviour". 

From infants born with birth trauma or into a family where attunement and serve and return cannot be found, to teenagers afraid to upset their parents, to partners that feel responsible for the emotional weight of their other half, safety is often a missing component. 

Safety with another, whether through emotional engagement, the protection of a tender heart or allowing a child to have a voice without fear of being cut off or silenced is imperative to a healthy attachment. The diminishment of one's sense of self will lead to emotional dysregulation and the inability to develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of self worth. 

For some families, children may feel like there is a bear in the room or that they are walking on eggshells. This inconsistency for a child will follow them into adulthood if the child does not feel like the bear will leave. 

It is up to us as adults to understand that when our children are afraid of us, we are the bear. If we are angry, reactive and inconsistent it has a biological and physiological impact on their nervous systems. Our children can go into freeze mode, shut down and literally become immobilized with fear. Their nervous systems will flood the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and their brain architecture will change. The developing brain can only compartmentalize fear for a very short time before it manifests as anxiety, depression or oscillate between the two. Although these two states may be categorized as behaviour, they are instead a "state" caused by intense autonomic dysregulation. 

There is plenty of science nowadays to support the absence of attunement, healthy attachment and safety in relationship. Connection is what we are hard wired for. Social engagement saves lives. Attunement and authenticity are the two most genuine desires and biological imperatives for every single human being. We can do better for our children. We can heal our own hurts, unmet needs and our attachment disruptions. Thanks to neuroplasticity and somatic work, lives can change for the better. We all need to work on it- the frontier of humanity right now rests on learning how to connect. 

If you would like to explore how to make your family a safer place, how to understand more about the work I do and how I can help you, feel free to email me through the website here. I would love to help you. With love, Carol xo

Parenting Never Ends

One of my projects for my graduate studies is to write a memoir on parenting and how it has affected me. This is it. 

In my journey over the last 26 years as a parent, I have only recently come to understand that parenting never ends. It really doesn't. You may be thinking that I should probably have understood that before this point, but honestly I didn't. 

For so many years and from lived experiences, I had heard that parenting was " a job." 

Time after time I was told that I had "done my job" when my children graduated high school. My job was to get them to post secondary if that is what they wanted and then they could handle the world on their own. 

Well nothing could be further from the truth. If parenting is a job, then I failed miserably. A job implies that you are paid, you are compensated and that at a certain time of day, your job is done. You can shut off. And this sets families up for failure. I needed to reframe this job as a relationship because there was no way I was going to quit, not give it my all or slack at this job. There is so much pressure when parenting is viewed as a job, and I needed growth. Growth can happen in healthy relationships and growth is what we all need.

Parenting is a relationship. It is the most precious relationship that I have ever had the privilege of participating in. It has grown me up, because I now recognize how emotionally stunted I was. I was not a real adult when I became a parent. I never wondered what my impact would be on my child with each interaction I had with them. I was never taught that. I never saw it modeled. I obsessed over my lack of ability. I worried I was not meeting their needs. I was terrified I was screwing them up. As the years passed and my children became adults,  I became depressed and incredibly anxious. I sought professional help and had the support of a real village consisting of my husband and friends and many health care professionals. I was diagnosed with PTSD due to many events in my life and one major life event was the proverbial straw. 

With the love of my children, husband, a few close girlfriends and my Doctors, I came to realize that the connection with my children and husband had saved me. I found out who my true friends were. I discovered how people really felt about me and now, 3 years later, I feel like I can finally breathe. Not everyone will support a mental health crisis, and that's okay. The people who really love you will keep showing up for you. The darkness will lift and you will breathe again. You will understand that the relationships that buoy you are the ones that have always been there, authentically, organically and fully. You will come to realize that some people were never really there for you because of their own issues or because they had defined a role for you and expected you to fulfill it for their needs. And that's okay. Fulfilling roles, maintaining labels, "playing the part" and all other stories that are attached to us that strip us of our authenticity will come to light. And sometimes the light looks like the dark. Sometimes we have to stay in the dark until we deconstruct. Everything. Until big realizations are made. Until we feel like we won't collapse, immobilize and die. Because anxiety can do that to you. The dark is a fine place to work on boundaries. To be emotionally scaffolded by people who really love you so you can protect yourself. Much like parenting, where I believe, the emotional bandwidth to just exist some days is overwhelming. 

Parenting saved me. It healed me. I now know that parenting never ends. And I would never want it to. My children are hilarious, incredibly witty, loving, kind, authentic and our relationships are solid. My life's mission is to ensure that my children have a deep experience of felt love. Yes, they know their Dad and I love them beyond comprehension and time and again they let us know that they FEEL that we do. 

Our love for them is not conditional. From the time they were born we have respected, trusted and advocated for them. We continue to do that to this day. We show up in their lives on their terms- not ours- because they are not an extension of us. They are here with one shot at this life and we would never expect them to fulfill any of our needs. Their behaviour has never been a reflection of us. They have done so well in spite of us. Because there are times we have really sucked. We have been immature, selfish and just plain unsure. But we have always, always done the repair. We have owned up to our mistakes. We have admitted when we were wrong and we have apologized. Profusely. We have tried our best to repair any ruptures we have caused. Because they are worth it. They are everything to us. They always will be. 

We have grown up. We are now in the joyous period of parenting where we get to share in their adventures and they come home every now and then to feel the weight of the world drop away from them. We treasure every single moment. It is a true privilege. They love each other fiercely and are in constant contact with each other. They plan time with each other although they live in different cities. They respect each other immensely. This is our greatest joy. Every chance I get, I gather them up, nuzzle their faces and kiss their hairlines. Exhausted, home for reading week or the holidays, I breathe in their scent when they fall asleep on the couch. I dance with them. Shop with them and cry with them. We hold space for each other and give each other space. 

I never want this to end. This most precious relationship has grown me up, saved my life and truly made me realize what is important. They are. Connection is all that matters in this world. It truly is. It is not lost on me. Connection saves us, keeps us safe and helps us know our place in the world. Self worth, I have learned, is not earned. It is ours to claim. I have watched my children do this. Teach me this. They know their worth. They respect it. And that is everything. This is my parenting memoir- the first chapter, 26 years later. My realizations on the gift of this most precious relationship. 

Your Anxious Child- An Online 6 month program for Families

Anxiety is something that we all suffer from time to time. Having a child who is anxious all of the time, though, or exhibits anxiety even some of the time, is very concerning for us as parents. 

Anxiety in children can manifest in many ways: trouble concentrating, hypervigilant attempts at controlling people, places and things, they will avoid situations or things that they fear, or endure them with anxious feelings, which can manifest as crying, tantrums, clinging, avoidance, headaches, and stomachaches. Anxiety can cause huge arguments, a sense of feeling helpless for parents and a true feeling of overwhelm for all family members.

This six month program will help you understand anxiety from a nervous system perspective. In the past, we have felt that behavioural changes, controlling a child and being very disciplined was a way to change or help anxiety when we now know with the new science there is a much better way to understand anxiety by way of the nervous system. 

This program will educate you on the nervous system, attachment, the therapeutic value of play, how anxiety shows up every day and how to deal with it, how to help the nervous system regulate and how our role as parents affects the energy of the whole family.

This program will run in a secret online group, will have videos, podcasts, scholarly articles and practical help for nuanced care for the WHOLE family. 

The program starts June 27. 

Investment is $250. To register email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca <

6 month and 3 month coaching programs available!

Our 6 month and 3 month coaching programs are available for purchase today! We have 6 6 month packages for $650 (our holiday rate! from last year- they will be going up in price this holiday) and 6 three month packages available for $450 ( they too will be going up this holiday!) 

Each package means a weekly call, visit or Skype (depending on where you live- we are currently coaching in Budapest, London England, Australia and Switzerland as well as North America!) and daily email support. So you get 24 calls, visits or Skypes with our 6 month package and 12 with our 3 month package...... PLUS! A free parenting class in our centre at 1124 Gainsborough Rd with the purchase of either of the two packages. That is an additional $80-$100 value! 

Registration is now open and it is first come first served! 

Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca to reserve your package. 

Learn How to Regulate Your Nervous System for your Physical and Emotional Health

This workshop is for people of all ages and stages! Through the exploration of the nervous system function, this workshop will help you understand how you cope with big emotions, how you are able to process or not process them and what to do to better regulate your nervous system. 

This class will involve body work, concrete learning exercises, theory and reflection work. Please bring a pen, a notebook, a blanket, food and drink for the day and wear comfortable clothing. 

This workshop comes with 3 weeks of follow up support and learning! Tuesday August 8th from 10am-3pm. 

Cost $100

Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca to register. 

Other planned dates for this workshop are:  Sunday September 10th  10am-3pm Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca Cost $100.00 

Two evenings: Tuesday August 15th and Tuesday August 22nd  7-9 pm Email Carol to register at kilty67@sympatico.ca Cost $100.00 

The Power of No

In every aspect of my parent education and coaching work every parent has struggled with their child saying "no."  The question I hear most is this: "What do I do when my child says no?"

The answer to this question is so layered. The first layer is generally "You don't get to say no to me!" and my response is "why shouldn't your child get to say no to you?"  To this question, I am usually met with crickets. Most of us intuited or were attuned to the fact that we just did not say no to our parents. Many parents tell me that they feel disrespected when their child tells them no. And this can be a trigger for them. 

If we feel disrespected when our child says no, we need to dig deeper to find out what the true message behind this feeling is. For many parents, they have shared with me that they themselves did not feel respected as a child and now, as the adult, they feel disrespected by their child. This is where shame comes into play. If a child was shamed as a way to control them, keep them in their place or enforce compliance or good behaviour, that child will have internalized the message that they are not a good person, they are not good enough, they are not worthy. And this is devastating. It is devastating because what then happens is these big feelings are projected onto our children because we can only view them from a behavioural perspective. This means that we shift our focus back to our child's behaviour and we construct a power over scenario to protect our fragile hearts. 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld believes, from a developmental biopsychosocial perspective, that, as parents, we need to protect our children's tender hearts. We must allow them to function as the fully conscious, fully aware beings that they are. We must allow them to fully experience the range of their emotions and we cannot become attached to their crises. If however, we are still in crisis mode ourselves, due to the belief and emotional systems we have adopted, we will only view our children as problematic and parenting as a job- not the relationship that it truly is. 

What if we allowed our children to say "no?' What would be the worst possible thing that could happen? I am sure, based on the science and evidence that refutes the now defunct theories of B.F. Skinner and other behavioural theorists, that the world would not go to hell in a hand basket. The issue is not in the "no" itself, but in fact in the way that we handle the "no." This is where the work on our part comes in.

Saying "no" as a child will, down the road, allow them to give an authentic, enthusiastic yes. No is a complete sentence. As adults, we may have a hard time accepting that and may feel the need to explain everything away, make up reasons why we are giving "no" as an answer and then feel guilt or worse yet, shame, over our response. This is so emotionally draining and becomes a self inflicted cycle of questioning ourselves. Allowing our children to say no allows them to say yes. We don't trust ourselves. And here is the thing- for generations, based on behaviour theories, children were not trusted. So we, in turn, whether we know it or not, generally do not trust our children.  Saying "no" is developmentally appropriate. Saying no is the start of the foundation of laying down boundaries. Saying no, in a safe place, such as home, is the first step to saying no outside of the home. We no longer need to subscribe to authority being the guiding post. Our children need to feel intrinsically comfortable with saying no and not worrying about hurting the feelings of their parents, their guardians, their elders. Because frankly, not everyone in a place of so called authority has their best interests at heart. But we must. We must have their best interests at heart.

So how do you handle "no?" Well you first understand that is developmentally appropriate. You stay calm (your regulated nervous system will decide what happens next with your child) and you reflect the facts. "You don't want to get your shoes on/give your sister back her toy/get up to the table to have dinner/get ready for bed/tidy up your mess?" And then, in that amazing place where you wait for the response, your remind yourself that by breathing and not rushing an answer, your child will feel validated and acknowledged. And generally, the energy will shift. Your child will perhaps become very emotional, will perhaps shut down (or go into freeze mode) based on previous interactions with you or will just stand there and look at you. And you can respond (again, not react!) and let them know that "I hear that you don't want to ________________________. I need you to __________________________ and then we can get on with (whatever it is that needs to happen next to keep the day going or right the wrong that has happened) and I will help you. It is perfectly fine to say no. I say no too. I will help you with this."  And then, in a non reactive way, help your child with this solution. Allowing them to say "no" now will absolutely prepare them for what they will encounter in the real world. And this will protect them. Our modeling will help them truly understand the difference between right and wrong. They will intuit and attune that all emotions are acceptable, all behaviours are not. And the boundaries, oh the boundaries! Their mental state will benefit, their emotional regulation will benefit and most importantly, all of their relationships will benefit. 

Time, consistency and understanding your own beliefs about no are worth examining. It is so very healing, so very necessary and so freeing as a parent and as that child within all of us that is "born seeking love and never loses its need for it." Examining our own belief systems about ourselves is the biggest act of self love we can perform. When we give love to ourselves first, our children reap the biggest benefits. 

With love, Carol

The Emotional Bandwith To Parent Is Exhausting

We know with the latest research of the brain that children truly are fully emotional tiny humans. Dealing with their emotions day in and day out is exhausting. No one tells us that! Most families are concerned with "behaviours" in their children and once they understand what their tiny humans are truly capable of, the focus shifts to the child's emotions. 

As adults, with a developed prefrontal cortex, we can rationalize behaviour. Hopefully we have learned to neuromodulate when stuck in our emotions and we can recognize that certain behaviours of our child can trigger us. For some parents, deconstructing the triggers is the hardest part of learning to understand our child's and our own emotions. 

Here's the thing: when we are triggered, we no longer have a relationship with our child. We shut down in freeze mode and the relationship is fully with the trigger. If we get stuck in the dysregulated freeze cycle, we cannot address our child's behaviour in a healthy way and we move towards punishment. 

By understanding our triggers, we can regulate our nervous system and have our brain "go back on line" and provide our child with guidance and trust instead of punishment and discipline. We can help our child feel capable of doing better when we are regulated. This work is exhausting yet so important. Everything comes back to emotions, to feelings, to connection. We need to get in touch with our own emotions to not only heal, but to have a healthy relationship with our children and in many cases, stop the perpetuation of generational practices and trauma. You and your family are worth it. 

What Time Outs Do

For the past 25 years or so the practice of putting children in a time out has been favoured by many behaviourists.  When a child is not "behaving" to put them away from us has been a popular choice in classrooms and homes. We are beginning to see the affect of this practice on the generations of grown adults and are understanding the ramifications of the messages time out gives children.

Children often will feel out of control. When they are caught up in the storm of their emotions they will, at times, feel afraid. When they are afraid, to put them away from us can be terrifying. It feels like abandonment. Here's something that we need to think of also- if a child is under the age of eight, they are not capable of sitting in a storm of emotionality, feeling abandoned, able to come up with a plan for better behaviour. Children put in time out or sent to their rooms begin to resent us. After a while they begin to resent themselves. When a child resents themselves we have a lot to be concerned with. 

The message a child receives when they are put in time out is that we only want to have them close to us when they are happy and "good."   Think about that for a moment. We will put them away from us and withhold our love and affection if they are not "good."  We are telling our child that we only want a relationship with them when they make us happy by being happy and good themselves. This is devastating to a child. This is conditional love. 

Adults have told me that being parented this way have resulted in them feeling:

"I have always doubted if I was genuinely loved. I feel like I developed a false sense of self."

"Even after I was good, the relationship with my parent never felt the same. I always felt like I had to prove myself. Even when I did that, I never felt fully accepted."

"I never learned anything other than I was left to figure out my own fear in being shunned." 

"I grew up being fearful of showing my true self to others. As a Dad now, I struggle with my children's big emotions and how to deal with them."

When we put our children in time out or send them to their rooms, it is generally because we need the space away from them and we really do not know how to handle their emotions. Time outs are using the relationship against our child. We are breaking bonds of trust with our children when using discipline like this. 

Time outs are a power over technique. They are fear based. They do not provide solutions to behaviour. One of our roles as parents is to build resiliency in our children. Children become resilient if they:

Trust that the world is safe and there are caring people to help them

They have belief in their ability to do things for themselves 

They feel they can regulate their ability to manage their feelings 

They have guidance in problem solving and navigating resolutions

Our children need us to gather them up and help them understand that all emotions are acceptable, all behaviours are not. We need to expand our toolboxes as parents to deal with big emotions. We have to really deconstruct our methods for discipline. Power over relationships will lead to lost influence and trust later as our children grow. 

We must always put the relationship first. Parenting is not a job- it is a relationship and our children must feel that deeply. You have it in you to have a strong loving relationship with your child. You really do. 

WIth love, Carol xo

I Get Why You're Yelling

We are seeing a shift in parenting. We needed to. We are the fall out generation of authoritarian parenting, some of its roots insidiously cemented in "children should be seen and not heard" and "the look" that parents gave to quiet a child. 

Authoritarian parenting is about control. Controlling the behaviour of a child in order to ensure that they grew up to be obedient. Therein lies the problem. Obedience leaves a child out in the cold, emotionally ill equipped to make decisions, unable to feel their own emotions and afraid to disappoint. Authoritarian parenting's focus on behaviour misses the mark on so many levels and leaves children on the outskirts of fitting in instead of in the heart of belonging. 

If we grew up with lots of yelling and we approach parenting from a more gentle perspective, we need to understand that the huge emotions of our children could very much trigger us. If we felt we had no voice in our family of origin, the very loud voices of our children could send us right back to the place we felt we had no respect- being yelled at as a child. 

Here is the difference- you are not in that place anymore. You are not being shamed by your child. Your child is exhibiting very normal behaviour. Those big emotions are too much for their little body to bear and they are coming out. I get that by yelling at them when they are yelling at you that their yelling will stop. The results are immediate. They stop. I so get that. 

When there are nine million things to get done, when you have not been taking care of yourself, when you are beyond sleep deprived and you forgot to take out the frozen meat for tonight's dinner and now it is too late, yelling will shut up some of the noise in your head. 

It will shut it up for a little while. Until we understand that boundaries will help us to stop yelling, our children's behaviour over time will be more concerning. A lot of parents did not understand the ramifications of yelling at us. Time and time again my families I work with tell me that they were really afraid of their parents. They didn't know on a day to day basis how their parents were going to be. They were afraid to go to their parents when they needed help in case they would be yelled at. This type of day in and day out is stressful for the brain of a tiny human. This fear can only be compartmentalized for so long before it manifests as anxiety. That anxiety can last all the way through the now adult's life. 

Boundaries would have helped. Boundaries always help. Understanding that we need boundaries for a healthy relationship will heal. Boundaries mean every single family member is respected. Boundaries mean accountability for yourself, for your children, for your family. When you want to yell to shut out all the noise or to get attention, do this instead. Breathe. Now breathe again. Feel your feet on the ground. Reflect the facts (what you are seeing in front of you) Respond. Don't react. ( "I see you hitting your sister. I won't let you hit your sister."  Now go to the child and hold their hands and say this again. And breathe. And make sure both parties are safe. Because when we make children feel safe, they trust us. And will come to us for help.

Boundaries are for us as much as they are for our children. We hold ourselves accountable when we realize that aggressive behaviour towards our children will turn them away from us. They have no impulse control until they are 6 years old. They are fully emotional beings. We need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of them. To model self regulation. To model kindness. To not lie in bed every single night wishing for a do over because our children's eyes could not meet ours after we yelled at them. Slow down. Use your knowledge that yelling by our children is normal, and us yelling at them will change the way they feel about us. Know that we can change the relationship. We can heal the relationship. Know that when we yell, our children hear our voice and not the message. We need them to hear the message in order for them to understand what we are saying. I am sure if you were yelled at as a child that it is the voice, the anger, the "look" and the fear that come to the forefront for you. The message is missed. 

Soften to yourself. Work on boundaries. Breathe. Know that nothing is beyond repair and that when you know better, you can do better. 

Love, Carol

If you have questions or support, please reach out at 

www.braveheartparentinghelp.com and contact me right through our website. 

Beating Ourselves Up As Parents

Every day parents ask me if there is one thing they can do to start  repairing the relationship they have with their children. I always say the same thing.

Our children need confident leaders. Our children need simple direction and guidance from us as confident leaders. When they are young, Kim John Payne says we need to be "governors" as parents- boundaries and expectations are integral! Around the age of 10-11 we need to become more like gardeners for them- tending to them as they will be well versed in boundaries and expectations at this time. When they are teenagers, we are their guides, walking beside them during both major and minor decisions, helping to bring them back on the path when they stray.

Our roles change as our children grow and we navigate new territory with them. Do you know what that makes us? That makes us learners, too! We are learning so much each step of the way with them. Do you know how we are with learners? We are more patient with learners, we are kinder and more compassionate with learners. Learners are not experts. There are no parenting experts. We have to show ourselves the same loving kindness we are showing our children on their journey in this world. Parenting is not a job, it is a relationship. A relationship has ebbs and flows, highs and lows, is elated and dismal and offers so many opportunities for growth. There is truly no performance evaluation in parenting- and if there is, well, we need to sit back and evaluate. 

Parents by virtue of their love they have  for their children are just what their children need. Unconditionally loving these tiny humans means we have to work on ourselves, especially if we were not unconditionally loved. That is the hard work in parenting. We see these tiny humans, we are dazzled by their magic, we wonder what we did to deserve them and we question ourselves. We do deserve them. We are good enough for them. We need to show ourselves the same unconditional love we have for them in order to grow with them. To grow the relationship. Dr. Gordon Neufeld says "we all grow older- we don't all grow up." In order to grow up, we need to have our emotional needs met. We need to have FELT love in our lives and if we didn't get it growing up, we need to be that FELT love for ourselves. Emotions are everything. Our children are great examples of that.

Let's stop beating ourselves up as parents. Soften to yourself. Remind yourself that you are a learner. You will never "arrive" as a parent. You are worthy of patience, time, consideration and do overs. That's what love is. That's what you are to your children and need to be with yourself. 

Love, Carol xo