Okay, I know that I am going to get emails about how we should be grateful for everything that we get for our children because we are lucky enough to have children and that some people would kill to be in our situation so - before you tell me that we could donate what we don't like and that someone somewhere would be grateful and that I should count my blessings and be happy, just shut up and listen for a minute. Because I know you feel this way too and I know, that you, like me, are grateful to be able to wake up and breathe every moment of every day and have the honour of being a parent bestowed on us. I want you to take a light hearted look at where we have come with "giving" at Christmas, or the holidays or Hanukkah or Kwanza or any other politically correct holiday celebrated around the time of the Yule. Come on come all and let's talk about the "stuff" that makes us, as parents want to scream in the winter of the year. There are bound to be many lists out there....consider this the musings of a middle aged mum.
My children are all young adults, but when they were little kids, we prayed to everything holy that we would not be inundated with the following (and with good effin reason)
Plastic toys probably made by other children in China: Sweet Jaysus, people! These toxic frivolities are literally a dime a dozen from a.) the convenience store pop, candy, pizza with its own plastic cutter, hot dog with ketchup squeeze bottle and fries combo. Tell me veggies and lemon broiled fish will get eaten at dinner when your kids have played all day with this crap around. b.) Vinyl haired, anatomically asexual "Hungry Baby" that is tied to its plastic cardboard container with sixty five triple knotted twist ties that scrape the crap out of your shellac manicure in no time flat when you try to free the bottle drinking, pablum eating poopy baby from its over boxed confines. Annnddddd.... she smells like the elastic band that you forgot to take off the aluminum foil cover on your Shepherd's Pie that you stuck in the oven at 350 for twenty minutes before you smelt your mistake. Not something I would want my kid cuddling in bed at night.
Sharp pseudo lego blocks with bristle like connector pieces sticking out of them, so that when I step on them while running to the oven to rescue my baking elastic band I impale myself through my heel with toxic plastic fragments. I probably have also taught my kids a few new "bathroom words" on my way to save them from noxious fumes.
Personified owls/creatures with creepy ceramic doll eyes (now digital) that are covered in fur and will kill my sex life. Just as my partner and I have crept out of our co-sleeping arrangement with our youngest and tip-toed out to the living room to have a snog, this critter decides to announce that it is scared because our four year old locked it in her dark closet and even she couldn't be bothered taking care of it (as it is supposed to teach her to be responsible ?????? wth???) and now one of us in a modified state of undress will attempt to rescue said creature/monster/sex killer from the closet of the room in which our two oldest children are sleeping so the whole household will not be woken up. Chances are, it will be me because, AHEM, my physical appearance in said modified state of undress would not be as traumatizing as their father's should they wake up and see him in his underpants (!) consoling their Furby at such an ungodly hour.
Noisy toys that will somehow enhance their musical capabilities - I have seen children play their recorders (ahhhh that perfect first instrument) in the bathtub, only to discover it comes apart and is fun to swish water through. They best be careful when putting the two pieces of the recorder back together because I have seen body parts get caught in said recorder. Nothing more should need to to be stated.
Toys that I have to play with my kids - Seriously, people..... I do not need to manage one more thing! Toys that my kids can play with will allow me to make them dinner, wash their clothes, read them bed time stories. I do not need to clean up the mess of their poopy baby doll, construct goo aliens with 8 ingredients over a two hour time frame, build a plastic roller coaster every single time Polly Pocket wants to go to the theme park with her equally scantily dressed mini mean girl friends in their two level VW deluxe bug with the four operating doors that constantly fall off. I do not have time or the drive for that!
Stuffed friggin animals. Again, made of cheap material and able to hold nits like nobody's business. Please refrain, because the last thing I need is to stand in my backyard holding two industrial sized black garbage bags full of Disney princesses, trying to evade piles of frozen dog poop while my screaming kid scratches her lice ridden head and tells me that I am suffocating Jasmine and Ariel. I have also suffered frost bite in the January winds because my made in China slippers have frozen to yellow snow and stuck there as I chased the dog back in the house due to his trauma of seeing huge black bags of things upsetting his litter mates locked inside the house....who are now at the stage of such grief that they are licking their own and each other's snot off my sliding glass door. To them, I have killed Ariel and Jasmine.... and no amount of tea tree will bring them back.
Anything concerning vampires because my prepubescent child does not need to know that it is possible to have a dead boyfriend that will eventually impregnate her after he chews through her headboard. Make books and videos developmentally appropriate, please, because children sent into the woods to kill each other and save their towns does not have to be a possibility in my seven year old's head just because she is reading three grade levels above her ability.
Cds with Parental Warnings on them....just so you can prove that you are the cool aunt. I get that you are "down" with Fifty Cent or "Fitty" as you call him, but my kids don't need to hear about his antics with his ho and how he loves her "kitty" . Word.
Video games that will teach them how to shoot an AK 47 and take the head off the enemy bastard. Because other kids his age get them and I as a parent, need to loosen up. Instant gratification as he reaches his "killing goal" will enhance his self esteem. Seriously, I was told this once.
Too many electronic devices that they plug into to. Be wary of screens. There is no vitality in them. Human interaction provides vitality.
Please feel free to add anything you feel would enhance this list...and now, what would we parents suggest you "gift" our children with?
Locally bought toys that will let their imaginations run wild. Train sets they will pass on to their children. Art supplies, appropriate books because as we tell our children, books are our friends. A soft cuddly toy to keep them company at night....one that is organic material and made in the country you are giving it in. Anything age appropriate, not violent, not demoralizing and not showcasing competition! Toys that build anticipation, involve active inter play and sharing with siblings and friends are great. Time is also a great gift. Teaching a child a special skill that you can share with them (baking, sewing, knitting....) and things in general that give OF YOU are precious to children. Let's not buy toys just to keep them occupied if it means a demise to our economy, our local small businesses and builds up huge corporations and other countries. Going overboard to the point of a cluttered toy room is too stimulating for children. It really is. Think quality instead of quantity. Your children and you will be much better for it.
Check out Vesta Shop in St. Thomas for the best selection of toys around the London St. Thomas area. You can go into the store or shop online.
With much love,
Carol xoxox
