Every year I feel the roller coaster that is the holidays. I am excited with the idea of the time off, the rest, the festivities, the sparkly lights, the sounds and tastes. Then, just around this time, the week before - I feel desolate.
The desolation sets in as I realize that there are so many expectations around this time of year. Friends and family say "just relax and enjoy it" yet still demand "it's so important to see you at this time of year!" and for me, it is way too much. Having 2 and sometimes 3 full time university/working adult children at home keeps me busy. Yep, I said busy. Yes, they are self-sufficient, yes they are contributors to every aspect of the household, yes they are aware of what the holidays entail. Yes, I love the crap out of them and do not want them to leave home! Families are a blessing, of course they are. But let's get real....living with other humans in a symbiotic relationship is not always easy. Finding homeostasis is tricky.Having children at home with you at ANY AGE is busy. Epic busy.
It never fails every year when someone asks "Are you ready for the holidays?" My answer is always "NO" and I silently add a "motherfucker" under my breath because:
1.) Really, who cares if you are ready? Are they going to meal plan, shop, cook and do my laundry so I can wrap the perfect co-ordinating ribbon glistered presents?
2.) Are they going to advise me on ways to get ready? Are they going to take over my work load so I can "get ready?"
One person's "ready" could be another person's "omg I have done nothing for this!" My locked and loaded preparations could be another's woefully unprepared. Because working full time with children or being home full time with a child(ren) are equally busy. Yep, busier than anything I know of. Adjusting to gearing down from work to give birth, meet someone for the first time and then care for them for a year is mentally and emotionally disarming. Bearing witness as adult children make MASSIVE decisions about life and you prepare to be an empty nester is insane! The machine that is the holidays doesn't give a shit about your extended family dynamics and the dysfunction that perpetuates year after year. Nope, it seems the collective consciousness is that "everybody is supposed to have fun at this time of year" and that if you are at home with children you should definitely be ready.
I truly wish that I could believe that most people have all other humans best interests at heart. We all know this is not true. Extremists take people hostage in chocolate cafes and ex service men go on killing sprees. Most people talk just to say something. Shallow, surface shit. Like asking you if you are ready for the holidays. Because honestly, what difference will it make in their life if you are or are not ready for the holidays? Exactly. It won't make a damn difference.
What about talking about the important events that are not fleeting? What if you could check your ego at the door and really stop....look someone in the eye and ask them how they really are? What if we all could just cut the surface shit and say "Hey, I am here to hold space for you. I want you to feel safe, to tell me how you feel and let you know I am right here?" What difference would that make to your life and theirs? Personally, I know it makes a HUGE difference!
Let's make a deal...I won't ask you if you are ready for the holidays and don't ask me. I have no clue what the holidays mean to you and I don't want to add any more stress to you as a human being. I don't want you to think you "should" be ready. Do you know what I want to know? I really want to know HOW you are. How has this year treated you? Is there anything I can do to help you? How are you feeling being on maternity leave? Did you ever get the chance to talk about how REALLY HARD it is to be fully responsible for keeping a baby alive? Did anyone ever mention that everything about you feels different when you have had a baby?
Don Miguel Ruiz states in one of his four agreements that "everyone else's opinion of you is none of your business." For each of us to adhere to this we need to understand that asking ridiculous questions like "are you ready for the holidays" is hollow. It is ego-judgement based. Like it or not, people humans judge. They do that better than anything else, sadly. Yup, our number one job as humans is to judge others. Even the ones we love. Let's stop with the silly questions. It is none of our business if someone else is ready for the holidays, ready to be parents, ready to get divorced, is still breastfeeding, has chosen to bottle feed or what school they do or do not send their kids to. None of our business. You are not a nice person because you ask questions. Because it is all just judgement if we have anything at all to say about it. I for one, have enough stuff going on in my own life that being up in someone else's business would drain the living crap right out of me. I will hold space for you and listen...because that kind of connection charges me right up. Idle chatter, the folly of fools, does not interest me.
Do what you need to do at this time of year. If you need me, I will be here. If you want to talk about how it drives you crazy, I am your girl. I get it. Chances are, you too are in love with the idea of the holidays. Perhaps, like me, you are not so crazy about everybody's need to know something that really does not matter to them at all. Let's all just take a big breath and know that what matters most to you is all that REALLY matters. Every day. Not just the holidays. Let's strive to be what we need to be to the people we love most. And that means you too, Mamas. Just be.
With much love,
Carol xoxo