Self compassion steps in when self esteem no longer bolsters us. In the parenting arena, we often feel like we are not enough, we don't know what we are doing, we need to work harder, we are worried about screwing up our kids (breathe: we all will anyways) and we don't have the answers. To most things. On most days.
Can you see why our self worth suffers? Can you see why it is so hard to foster self-compassion? I maintain that anyone parenting in this social media age is dealing with the harshest environment that parents have ever had to deal with. Yes we are beyond privileged. Yes we don't have to worry about what a large part of other areas of the world have to worry about- yet the stress levels I see in my parent education practice belie the untold truths that we must be willing to share in order to support each other and foster self compassion.
Many parents today are a fallout from authoritarian parenting. In most authoritarian families of origin, emotional connection did not exist and acknowledging a child's pain or distress was often met with dismissive comments like "you're alright" or "I'll give you something to cry about" or the feeling that children should be seen and not heard. Here is the thing about pain as John Greene states- it demands to be felt. So do all of our emotions. If we grew up in an environment where emotions and feelings did not have room to grow, we internalize these emotions and actually embody them as traumatic. Our central (autonomic) nervous systems then become dysregulated and as many health care experts agree, this "stress" stored in the body affects us throughout the course of our lives. It will at some or many points, demand to be felt.
Many parents I meet with have a really hard time describing what they are feeling when they feel like they are in a constant state of stress. If we work on their relationships with their children they often come to realize that their expectations for their children are really high and unfortunately, completely unreasonable. Gently and with compassion, I explain to them that this is no fault of their own as we all become what is modeled for us. Most parents don't have a clear example of emotional connection to fall back on as society generally categorizes children by their behaviour. When we move from the behaviour to the underpinnings of it, we begin to realize that feelings and emotions are so so important and that through our children we can learn how to have self compassion.
In one of my online groups right now we focus primarily on boundaries or setting limits in our relationships. For many people, boundaries did not exist for them as a tiny human, so setting them for their own children can be very triggering and feel very authoritarian. We need boundaries for healthy attachment! The hierarchy of attachment can only be secure with boundaries and calm respect for each member of the family. In our group we script out what boundaries look like, practice them, and get in touch with what rises from an emotional standpoint. We start out using very simple language and watch how the response to the language is- and everyone is ecstatic with the results!
Setting boundaries means that we know we have limits. When we are exhausted, full of rage (which is a very common theme in my practice!) or feeling like we have let go of the end of our rope and are floating aimlessly, we need to acknowledge these limits and let self compassion buoy us. We have hard limits which are non negotiable- how much sleep we need, food, and validation. We can work on limits that can be changed like our reactions to slow drivers, people that cut us off, waiting in line at the grocery store. Recognizing that we have surpassed a limit and not berating ourselves is a starting point in fostering self compassion. We are not inept, "not working hard enough" or not capable- for most of us, we are exhausted. We are damn tired. Eclipsing our activity/work/parenting/break limit means that we need to understand we are in distress. We need to look upon ourselves with tender-heartedness. Acknowledging our limits, accepting them and especially allowing them to exist will help us turn towards our distress, our pain, our needs- and we need desperately to legitimize these boundaries.
Emotions are so legitimate. Getting to name them, know them, understand the root of them may take time. We are human and will rupture relationships. We know that repair can strengthen bonds and that perfect doesn't exist in parenting. (It doesn't exist anywhere, so again: big breaths). Softening towards ourselves, cutting ourselves some slack and "turning towards ourselves" will make us more compassionate not only in regard to ourselves but towards those that we love as well. Let's drop the stories we have told ourselves about not being enough. Let's recognize how hard parenting is and support ourselves, our partners and our friends. A simple "I hear you" can change the way we walk through the world. Let's listen to ourselves, acknowledge our limits and engage ourselves with loving kindness. You are so worthy.