As I prepare to continue my studies in adolescent trauma and depression and low mood in teens, I was inspired by the teens I am working with presently. When I asked them what they would like to say to their parents, I took notes. I asked for permission to precis their descriptions for a blog post and was given permission to do so. I have also added wisdom from other teens in my life and from my own mistakes as a parent to three now grown adults.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am confused. I am struggling with so much right now and feel that I can't tell you about it. The last time I came to you to tell you how hard school was, you told me that I should be grateful for the fact that I didn't have to walk to school. I left and went to my room.
When I was angry that you didn't let me go to the mall with my friends and I got upset, you scared me when you yelled at me and told me that I was being a brat. I really wasn't- I just want you to know that going with my friends is important to me. We don't drink or do stupid things- we wanted to get a friend a gift.
When we fight, I need you to stay calm. I need you to not storm off and roll your eyes at me. I want you to help me understand me. I want to be able to come to you when I am scared, sad or upset and if it ends in a fight, I need you to not tell me to "get out of my sight" or that "I've had enough of you."
I want you to not pressure me to just study all of the time. I want you to understand that when I come home, I need down time. It is so hard all day at school trying to figure out where I fit in, to understand the new courses I am learning and to deal with the homework every night. I am not slacking off. I am trying to get through every day.
I am really trying to figure out what to do when high school is over and when I tell you I like music, please don't tell me there is no money in that. Please listen to what I like. I don't know if I will always like it but I do right now.
I want you to ask me what I am doing, who with and help me understand what other's treatment of me means.
I need you both to not fight all of the time. I need you to stop insulting each other in front of me. When you do that, you are insulting 100% of my DNA.
I need you. I need you to love me. Unconditionally. I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I have to to learn.
I want to spend more time with you.
I need you to not shame me in front of your friends. I need you to not say that I am moody, bitchy or high needs. I wouldn't say that about you.
Stop comparing me to my siblings. We are all different and I feel like I am your least favourite when you do that.
When my siblings and I call each other names put a stop to it.
Don't tease me. Don't make comments on my weight. Don't tell me I would be pretty if .... or that I shouldn't eat something. Don't tell me that boys who tease me like me.
Don't tell me that boys and girls can't just be friends. That was maybe true for you but is not true for me and my friends.
Don't tease me about the girl i like.
Don't tell me that being gay is a stage. Don't tell me that I need to change.
Don't scream at me at hockey games. Don't yell at my coach and demand to know why I am not playing more. My friends think you are nuts when you do that and I want to disappear.
Don't yell at me and threaten to not drive me to school when I forget a book.
When you have discovered that I am terrified of you and that is why I am restricting my eating- because you give me no control in any other aspect of my life- don't tell me I am your biggest disappointment.
Be boundaried with me. Respect I will be boundaried with you.
Your teenager