In the last month or so I have been invited into much larger arenas to present parent education and training in corporate and educational settings. In these much larger groups it is crucial to understand not only the "issues" which the parents are struggling to navigate with their children, but what is "triggering" the parents.
Most of our struggles with our children tend to have our stories that we have formulated attached to them. Saying "my kids know how to push my buttons" really does need to be re-framed. If I ask a parent to tell me the facts, they tend to halt- and really think about it. Generally they will say "well, my child is really testing my boundaries." This re-frame is not really a re-frame at all. It is another story. What we need to get to is the facts. The facts are not comfortable for two reasons: 1) we feel like it is too simple and 2) we cannot have OUR story attached to the facts.
Facts hold us accountable. Facts re-iterate what we see in front of us. Facts pare down the event, interaction, incident to what it really is. From there, we can deal with the situation without attaching our emotionality to it. That emotionality may be residual from our own experiences as a child and this is what we need to work on most of all. Not being allowed to express emotionality and have it supported as a child leaves us with no modelling for our own children. Reflecting the facts allows us to learn about ourselves and support our children at the same time. Reflecting the facts leads to responsive instead of reactive parenting. When we are responsive, we are much more gentle with ourselves and we open up a portal for self-compassion which in turn fosters less judgement on everyone we engage with. We realize we hold the reigns on our lives and we can work through our triggers.
Watching a large group of people grasp the concept of responsive parenting is a beautiful experience. The follow up I have had with group members really opens up the realization that change truly can happen....and that it can start with us. It takes support, practice and patience to drop the story and reflect the facts and when we do the reigns feel like we are navigating a comfortable, safe canter through life instead of a tight, out of control gallop which can turn into being thrown off the horse.
With much love,
Carol xoxo