We are seeing a shift in parenting. We needed to. We are the fall out generation of authoritarian parenting, some of its roots insidiously cemented in "children should be seen and not heard" and "the look" that parents gave to quiet a child.
Authoritarian parenting is about control. Controlling the behaviour of a child in order to ensure that they grew up to be obedient. Therein lies the problem. Obedience leaves a child out in the cold, emotionally ill equipped to make decisions, unable to feel their own emotions and afraid to disappoint. Authoritarian parenting's focus on behaviour misses the mark on so many levels and leaves children on the outskirts of fitting in instead of in the heart of belonging.
If we grew up with lots of yelling and we approach parenting from a more gentle perspective, we need to understand that the huge emotions of our children could very much trigger us. If we felt we had no voice in our family of origin, the very loud voices of our children could send us right back to the place we felt we had no respect- being yelled at as a child.
Here is the difference- you are not in that place anymore. You are not being shamed by your child. Your child is exhibiting very normal behaviour. Those big emotions are too much for their little body to bear and they are coming out. I get that by yelling at them when they are yelling at you that their yelling will stop. The results are immediate. They stop. I so get that.
When there are nine million things to get done, when you have not been taking care of yourself, when you are beyond sleep deprived and you forgot to take out the frozen meat for tonight's dinner and now it is too late, yelling will shut up some of the noise in your head.
It will shut it up for a little while. Until we understand that boundaries will help us to stop yelling, our children's behaviour over time will be more concerning. A lot of parents did not understand the ramifications of yelling at us. Time and time again my families I work with tell me that they were really afraid of their parents. They didn't know on a day to day basis how their parents were going to be. They were afraid to go to their parents when they needed help in case they would be yelled at. This type of day in and day out is stressful for the brain of a tiny human. This fear can only be compartmentalized for so long before it manifests as anxiety. That anxiety can last all the way through the now adult's life.
Boundaries would have helped. Boundaries always help. Understanding that we need boundaries for a healthy relationship will heal. Boundaries mean every single family member is respected. Boundaries mean accountability for yourself, for your children, for your family. When you want to yell to shut out all the noise or to get attention, do this instead. Breathe. Now breathe again. Feel your feet on the ground. Reflect the facts (what you are seeing in front of you) Respond. Don't react. ( "I see you hitting your sister. I won't let you hit your sister." Now go to the child and hold their hands and say this again. And breathe. And make sure both parties are safe. Because when we make children feel safe, they trust us. And will come to us for help.
Boundaries are for us as much as they are for our children. We hold ourselves accountable when we realize that aggressive behaviour towards our children will turn them away from us. They have no impulse control until they are 6 years old. They are fully emotional beings. We need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of them. To model self regulation. To model kindness. To not lie in bed every single night wishing for a do over because our children's eyes could not meet ours after we yelled at them. Slow down. Use your knowledge that yelling by our children is normal, and us yelling at them will change the way they feel about us. Know that we can change the relationship. We can heal the relationship. Know that when we yell, our children hear our voice and not the message. We need them to hear the message in order for them to understand what we are saying. I am sure if you were yelled at as a child that it is the voice, the anger, the "look" and the fear that come to the forefront for you. The message is missed.
Soften to yourself. Work on boundaries. Breathe. Know that nothing is beyond repair and that when you know better, you can do better.
Love, Carol
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