For the past 25 years or so the practice of putting children in a time out has been favoured by many behaviourists. When a child is not "behaving" to put them away from us has been a popular choice in classrooms and homes. We are beginning to see the affect of this practice on the generations of grown adults and are understanding the ramifications of the messages time out gives children.
Children often will feel out of control. When they are caught up in the storm of their emotions they will, at times, feel afraid. When they are afraid, to put them away from us can be terrifying. It feels like abandonment. Here's something that we need to think of also- if a child is under the age of eight, they are not capable of sitting in a storm of emotionality, feeling abandoned, able to come up with a plan for better behaviour. Children put in time out or sent to their rooms begin to resent us. After a while they begin to resent themselves. When a child resents themselves we have a lot to be concerned with.
The message a child receives when they are put in time out is that we only want to have them close to us when they are happy and "good." Think about that for a moment. We will put them away from us and withhold our love and affection if they are not "good." We are telling our child that we only want a relationship with them when they make us happy by being happy and good themselves. This is devastating to a child. This is conditional love.
Adults have told me that being parented this way have resulted in them feeling:
"I have always doubted if I was genuinely loved. I feel like I developed a false sense of self."
"Even after I was good, the relationship with my parent never felt the same. I always felt like I had to prove myself. Even when I did that, I never felt fully accepted."
"I never learned anything other than I was left to figure out my own fear in being shunned."
"I grew up being fearful of showing my true self to others. As a Dad now, I struggle with my children's big emotions and how to deal with them."
When we put our children in time out or send them to their rooms, it is generally because we need the space away from them and we really do not know how to handle their emotions. Time outs are using the relationship against our child. We are breaking bonds of trust with our children when using discipline like this.
Time outs are a power over technique. They are fear based. They do not provide solutions to behaviour. One of our roles as parents is to build resiliency in our children. Children become resilient if they:
Trust that the world is safe and there are caring people to help them
They have belief in their ability to do things for themselves
They feel they can regulate their ability to manage their feelings
They have guidance in problem solving and navigating resolutions
Our children need us to gather them up and help them understand that all emotions are acceptable, all behaviours are not. We need to expand our toolboxes as parents to deal with big emotions. We have to really deconstruct our methods for discipline. Power over relationships will lead to lost influence and trust later as our children grow.
We must always put the relationship first. Parenting is not a job- it is a relationship and our children must feel that deeply. You have it in you to have a strong loving relationship with your child. You really do.
WIth love, Carol xo