Every day in my work with families, one commonality can be found- safety is key in relationship.
When we understand the biological, neurological and physiological drives for neuroception or safety, we can fully reframe what we perceive as "behaviour".
From infants born with birth trauma or into a family where attunement and serve and return cannot be found, to teenagers afraid to upset their parents, to partners that feel responsible for the emotional weight of their other half, safety is often a missing component.
Safety with another, whether through emotional engagement, the protection of a tender heart or allowing a child to have a voice without fear of being cut off or silenced is imperative to a healthy attachment. The diminishment of one's sense of self will lead to emotional dysregulation and the inability to develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of self worth.
For some families, children may feel like there is a bear in the room or that they are walking on eggshells. This inconsistency for a child will follow them into adulthood if the child does not feel like the bear will leave.
It is up to us as adults to understand that when our children are afraid of us, we are the bear. If we are angry, reactive and inconsistent it has a biological and physiological impact on their nervous systems. Our children can go into freeze mode, shut down and literally become immobilized with fear. Their nervous systems will flood the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and their brain architecture will change. The developing brain can only compartmentalize fear for a very short time before it manifests as anxiety, depression or oscillate between the two. Although these two states may be categorized as behaviour, they are instead a "state" caused by intense autonomic dysregulation.
There is plenty of science nowadays to support the absence of attunement, healthy attachment and safety in relationship. Connection is what we are hard wired for. Social engagement saves lives. Attunement and authenticity are the two most genuine desires and biological imperatives for every single human being. We can do better for our children. We can heal our own hurts, unmet needs and our attachment disruptions. Thanks to neuroplasticity and somatic work, lives can change for the better. We all need to work on it- the frontier of humanity right now rests on learning how to connect.
If you would like to explore how to make your family a safer place, how to understand more about the work I do and how I can help you, feel free to email me through the website here. I would love to help you. With love, Carol xo