One of my projects for my graduate studies is to write a memoir on parenting and how it has affected me. This is it.
In my journey over the last 26 years as a parent, I have only recently come to understand that parenting never ends. It really doesn't. You may be thinking that I should probably have understood that before this point, but honestly I didn't.
For so many years and from lived experiences, I had heard that parenting was " a job."
Time after time I was told that I had "done my job" when my children graduated high school. My job was to get them to post secondary if that is what they wanted and then they could handle the world on their own.
Well nothing could be further from the truth. If parenting is a job, then I failed miserably. A job implies that you are paid, you are compensated and that at a certain time of day, your job is done. You can shut off. And this sets families up for failure. I needed to reframe this job as a relationship because there was no way I was going to quit, not give it my all or slack at this job. There is so much pressure when parenting is viewed as a job, and I needed growth. Growth can happen in healthy relationships and growth is what we all need.
Parenting is a relationship. It is the most precious relationship that I have ever had the privilege of participating in. It has grown me up, because I now recognize how emotionally stunted I was. I was not a real adult when I became a parent. I never wondered what my impact would be on my child with each interaction I had with them. I was never taught that. I never saw it modeled. I obsessed over my lack of ability. I worried I was not meeting their needs. I was terrified I was screwing them up. As the years passed and my children became adults, I became depressed and incredibly anxious. I sought professional help and had the support of a real village consisting of my husband and friends and many health care professionals. I was diagnosed with PTSD due to many events in my life and one major life event was the proverbial straw.
With the love of my children, husband, a few close girlfriends and my Doctors, I came to realize that the connection with my children and husband had saved me. I found out who my true friends were. I discovered how people really felt about me and now, 3 years later, I feel like I can finally breathe. Not everyone will support a mental health crisis, and that's okay. The people who really love you will keep showing up for you. The darkness will lift and you will breathe again. You will understand that the relationships that buoy you are the ones that have always been there, authentically, organically and fully. You will come to realize that some people were never really there for you because of their own issues or because they had defined a role for you and expected you to fulfill it for their needs. And that's okay. Fulfilling roles, maintaining labels, "playing the part" and all other stories that are attached to us that strip us of our authenticity will come to light. And sometimes the light looks like the dark. Sometimes we have to stay in the dark until we deconstruct. Everything. Until big realizations are made. Until we feel like we won't collapse, immobilize and die. Because anxiety can do that to you. The dark is a fine place to work on boundaries. To be emotionally scaffolded by people who really love you so you can protect yourself. Much like parenting, where I believe, the emotional bandwidth to just exist some days is overwhelming.
Parenting saved me. It healed me. I now know that parenting never ends. And I would never want it to. My children are hilarious, incredibly witty, loving, kind, authentic and our relationships are solid. My life's mission is to ensure that my children have a deep experience of felt love. Yes, they know their Dad and I love them beyond comprehension and time and again they let us know that they FEEL that we do.
Our love for them is not conditional. From the time they were born we have respected, trusted and advocated for them. We continue to do that to this day. We show up in their lives on their terms- not ours- because they are not an extension of us. They are here with one shot at this life and we would never expect them to fulfill any of our needs. Their behaviour has never been a reflection of us. They have done so well in spite of us. Because there are times we have really sucked. We have been immature, selfish and just plain unsure. But we have always, always done the repair. We have owned up to our mistakes. We have admitted when we were wrong and we have apologized. Profusely. We have tried our best to repair any ruptures we have caused. Because they are worth it. They are everything to us. They always will be.
We have grown up. We are now in the joyous period of parenting where we get to share in their adventures and they come home every now and then to feel the weight of the world drop away from them. We treasure every single moment. It is a true privilege. They love each other fiercely and are in constant contact with each other. They plan time with each other although they live in different cities. They respect each other immensely. This is our greatest joy. Every chance I get, I gather them up, nuzzle their faces and kiss their hairlines. Exhausted, home for reading week or the holidays, I breathe in their scent when they fall asleep on the couch. I dance with them. Shop with them and cry with them. We hold space for each other and give each other space.
I never want this to end. This most precious relationship has grown me up, saved my life and truly made me realize what is important. They are. Connection is all that matters in this world. It truly is. It is not lost on me. Connection saves us, keeps us safe and helps us know our place in the world. Self worth, I have learned, is not earned. It is ours to claim. I have watched my children do this. Teach me this. They know their worth. They respect it. And that is everything. This is my parenting memoir- the first chapter, 26 years later. My realizations on the gift of this most precious relationship.