There is a huge difference between being “nice” and being kind. “Nice” requires training- so we don’t strangle each other in the line up at the grocery store, when we are driving, when we are subjected to the office jokester one.more.time.
Nice has its place. Nice works in crowded elevators, in customer service, in uncomfortable family gatherings.
Nice means you can put on a brave face and grit your teeth through it, all the while questioning “is this really how I want to be in this situation?” Nice has also been described as a version of “the disease to please” and the message behind this is steeped in societal biases and constructs that we really need to unpack.
Growing up, the message I received was to be a “nice” girl. Say what you mean, but don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Don’t wear that, because what will people think? Watch what you say to them, they don’t like it when….
Nice means you bring a different version of yourself to each relationship. Nice means you really want everyone to get along, but we know that human nature brings out those who want to power over others, unsaid expectations and different rules for everyone. We need “nice” culture rehabilitation.
How do we rehabilitate ourselves from nice?
Boundaries. Boundaries allow us to continue relationships with others. Boundaries allow us to remain compassionate. Compassion is kindness.
Brene Brown states “the most compassionate individuals are the most boundaried individuals.” Boundaries mean we listen to what our bodies are telling us about an individual. So the first step in a “nice” rehab program is to slow down and listen to our bodies. Our nervous systems, through neuroception, know when someone is not safe. Neuroception scans the environment for safety and your nervous system through the gut brain axis will let you know how you need to set up your boundaries.
If, through your niceness training you diminished yourself in order to try to fit in, you may need to exercise your intuition . Spend some time each day intuiting how you feel in your body. Describe what happens in your gut, in your chest, in your throat, in your limbs. What are the sensations you are feeling? Do they have a certain texture, temperature, colour? Tune in daily to the feelings forecast of your body. Your neuroception doesn’t lie.
Slow down and evaluate the patterns you have become a master at in your life.Most of them are maladaptive conditioning and programming. Do you rush everything in fear of upsetting someone? Do you feel like if you don’t do what you have always done that you will disappoint someone? Are you afraid to be alone with yourself and punctuate your day with a massive task llst? Slow down. Try to not fill in gaps of time with a task list. Get outside and move your body. Stand barefoot in the grass and watch what sensations arise for you. Listen to music. Share how you feel with your safe people. Sing, hum, chant- all of these techniques engage the ventral vagus nerve and promote the felt sense of emotional and physical safety. Because kindness is safe. Nice can be fight or flight- and very inauthentic.
Switch up your habits. If you reach for your phone at the first pang of anxiety, put it down. Nice culture tells us we have to be the caretakers of the feelings of others. And that we have to fit in. Fitting in serves everyone, right? Nope, nada, no way. If no one has told you this before, you need to hear it. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Ever. Feelings, the language of the body, are the sole responsibility of the person feeling them. Emotions are the language of the mind. We all know our brains love to default to the worst case scenario- so embrace this and know it is not always accurate. Emotions are neither good nor bad- they are all acceptable, where all behaviours are not.
You may struggle with all kinds of emotions that nice culture has dumped on you. Again, go slow and go lightly. Try to sort them out. Trust that nice culture benefits only a small fraction of the population. You know yourself when someone is nice to you- gauge how that feels. Kindness, on the other hand, really cares. Kindness goes deeper than nice. Kindness is bottomless. Kindness is curious where nice is judgemental. Kindness knows we are all doing the best we can. Kindness grows empathy. Kindness reiterates that life is hard. Be a kind human. Start with yourself. You are a learner when it comes to the unpacking of this niceness culture. If it feels like you are being taken advantage of and gritting your teeth through something, stop. Go slow and lightly. Listen to your neuroception. Change the way you reach for artificial connection. Remember there is no vitality in that. Notice your feelings. Keep coming back to yourself, for the benefit of everyone. Kindness will always win.