Over the last seven years I have fallen in love with my studies of the polyvagal theory. It was coined by Dr. Stephen Porges in the 1990’s and has given me a much more compassionate understanding of how we engage with one another.
Most of us understand fight or flight (SNS or sympathetic nervous system) or rest and digest (parasympathetic nervous system) yet may not have heard about or understand freeze- which happens when we cross the fight or flight threshold.
In freeze, we are in collapse and have low energy, low mobility and don’t feel safe- emotionally or physically. In order to move to a more regulated state, we must move up the polyvagal ladder to fight and flight and then into rest and digest. It is not uncommon to oscillate between freeze and fight/flight frequently (in fact it can be moment to moment.)
Our nervous systems develop in relationship with our primary caregivers and those early years shape our nervous systems. The felt safety we catalogue as our lived experiences in those early interactions gives us an indication of how we can engage in the world. It is a library of traumatic and non traumatic experiences of sorts.
Neuroception is the term used for the safety or danger cues our nervous systems intuit- without us even knowing it is happening. We have adaptive responses that sense familiarity from our pasts and can “blow up” our nervous systems- and our safety cues are skewed if our adaptive responses lean towards danger tendencies. The good news is that our nervous systems can re shape, just as our brains do, through neuroplasticity.
Instead of labels like “anxious, stressed or depressed” I reframe to state “I am regulated or dysregulated” and it feels so much better. Yes I feel anxious a lot, but I am not “an anxious person.” I can feel depressed, yet depression doesn’t define me. Dysregulation can become regulation without the heaviness of the labels of anxiety or depression. For me, that feels much less oppressive or stigmatizing. It also feels much safer because it is my system, my nervous system- that needs help to feel better. It is not just a specific part of me that needs help, it is the pump and flow system that governs all of us. One of my teachers taught me that when I am feeling dysregulated it helps to state “ I am _____________ and the world is _________________”. This is how we map our response patterns. We can track where we are. We can move towards regulation. Our nervous system longs to connect with other nervous systems. We are born to connect, in a safe ventral vagal state with others. We move to regulation in the safe company of others. We are all kinder, more compassionate and able to hold space for ourselves and others in a regulated state. We are able to rest, recharge and reset in safe, social engagement practices. We are fortified. Our window of tolerance for stress increases with emotional safety and we are able to be more responsive. Our defense mechanisms are inhibited and we feel present, in the moment and able to feel joy. We owe it to ourselves to befriend our nervous systems. I want to invite you to journey with me as I continue to learn about interpersonal neurobiology, the nervous system and what it all means in being human.