In every aspect of my parent education and coaching work every parent has struggled with their child saying "no." The question I hear most is this: "What do I do when my child says no?"
The answer to this question is so layered. The first layer is generally "You don't get to say no to me!" and my response is "why shouldn't your child get to say no to you?" To this question, I am usually met with crickets. Most of us intuited or were attuned to the fact that we just did not say no to our parents. Many parents tell me that they feel disrespected when their child tells them no. And this can be a trigger for them.
If we feel disrespected when our child says no, we need to dig deeper to find out what the true message behind this feeling is. For many parents, they have shared with me that they themselves did not feel respected as a child and now, as the adult, they feel disrespected by their child. This is where shame comes into play. If a child was shamed as a way to control them, keep them in their place or enforce compliance or good behaviour, that child will have internalized the message that they are not a good person, they are not good enough, they are not worthy. And this is devastating. It is devastating because what then happens is these big feelings are projected onto our children because we can only view them from a behavioural perspective. This means that we shift our focus back to our child's behaviour and we construct a power over scenario to protect our fragile hearts.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld believes, from a developmental biopsychosocial perspective, that, as parents, we need to protect our children's tender hearts. We must allow them to function as the fully conscious, fully aware beings that they are. We must allow them to fully experience the range of their emotions and we cannot become attached to their crises. If however, we are still in crisis mode ourselves, due to the belief and emotional systems we have adopted, we will only view our children as problematic and parenting as a job- not the relationship that it truly is.
What if we allowed our children to say "no?' What would be the worst possible thing that could happen? I am sure, based on the science and evidence that refutes the now defunct theories of B.F. Skinner and other behavioural theorists, that the world would not go to hell in a hand basket. The issue is not in the "no" itself, but in fact in the way that we handle the "no." This is where the work on our part comes in.
Saying "no" as a child will, down the road, allow them to give an authentic, enthusiastic yes. No is a complete sentence. As adults, we may have a hard time accepting that and may feel the need to explain everything away, make up reasons why we are giving "no" as an answer and then feel guilt or worse yet, shame, over our response. This is so emotionally draining and becomes a self inflicted cycle of questioning ourselves. Allowing our children to say no allows them to say yes. We don't trust ourselves. And here is the thing- for generations, based on behaviour theories, children were not trusted. So we, in turn, whether we know it or not, generally do not trust our children. Saying "no" is developmentally appropriate. Saying no is the start of the foundation of laying down boundaries. Saying no, in a safe place, such as home, is the first step to saying no outside of the home. We no longer need to subscribe to authority being the guiding post. Our children need to feel intrinsically comfortable with saying no and not worrying about hurting the feelings of their parents, their guardians, their elders. Because frankly, not everyone in a place of so called authority has their best interests at heart. But we must. We must have their best interests at heart.
So how do you handle "no?" Well you first understand that is developmentally appropriate. You stay calm (your regulated nervous system will decide what happens next with your child) and you reflect the facts. "You don't want to get your shoes on/give your sister back her toy/get up to the table to have dinner/get ready for bed/tidy up your mess?" And then, in that amazing place where you wait for the response, your remind yourself that by breathing and not rushing an answer, your child will feel validated and acknowledged. And generally, the energy will shift. Your child will perhaps become very emotional, will perhaps shut down (or go into freeze mode) based on previous interactions with you or will just stand there and look at you. And you can respond (again, not react!) and let them know that "I hear that you don't want to ________________________. I need you to __________________________ and then we can get on with (whatever it is that needs to happen next to keep the day going or right the wrong that has happened) and I will help you. It is perfectly fine to say no. I say no too. I will help you with this." And then, in a non reactive way, help your child with this solution. Allowing them to say "no" now will absolutely prepare them for what they will encounter in the real world. And this will protect them. Our modeling will help them truly understand the difference between right and wrong. They will intuit and attune that all emotions are acceptable, all behaviours are not. And the boundaries, oh the boundaries! Their mental state will benefit, their emotional regulation will benefit and most importantly, all of their relationships will benefit.
Time, consistency and understanding your own beliefs about no are worth examining. It is so very healing, so very necessary and so freeing as a parent and as that child within all of us that is "born seeking love and never loses its need for it." Examining our own belief systems about ourselves is the biggest act of self love we can perform. When we give love to ourselves first, our children reap the biggest benefits.
With love, Carol